I wasn’t planning to announce this, but I can’t help myself. I told my husband, Bob, that I didn’t really want to get involved. But then, I found out my girlfriend’s 70-year-old mom has her name on a long wait list at the library to borrow Fifty Shades of Grey. And then my mom told me that a relative I love and respect for her strong faith had already devoured the book. She regretfully “can’t get the images out of her head.” So, here I am. In an  attempt to keep the images out of yours, I’d like to explain to you why I’m not reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

Reason #1: Let’s start with the facts. Fifty Shades of Grey is classified as erotic fiction. According to one online dictionary, this genre of literature is defined as that which has “no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire.” I’ve been studying what God says about sexuality for fifteen years. According to Him, there is only one who should stimulate sexual desire in me: my husband. Since that’s God’s plan for my sexual desire, anything other than my husband creating arousal in me would be missing the mark of God’s intention. (Translation: it is sin.) Jesus said it this way: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The same is true of a woman looking at or reading about a man. Reason #1? I believe reading erotica is sinful.

I guess I could stop there, but it won’t be enough for some of you. So let’s go to reason number two.

Reason #2: The Bible has said for thousands of years that lust is hurtful and harmful. Guess what? Biopsychologists and others are studying the effects of lust, pornography, and erotica on the brain and the body. They are finding that the Bible was, in fact, right. Over time your body becomes conditioned to self-stimulation and gratification. It’s not just a preference. It’s physiological. The lust cuts a literal pathway in your brain tissue that’s kinda like a rut. A rut you better be prepared to get stuck in. While at first a little bit of erotica might give you a taste for your spouse, overtime that rut reminds you how great you are at self-stimulation and how powerful your imagination can be. You’ll become less interested in real sex with your husband. (Both SELF magazine and The New  Yorker ran articles on this phenomenon in recent years. They both suggested that if you want to have a great sex life, you better push pause on porn!) The fact is, erotica robs you of real sex. It’s not good for you marriage or future marriage.

Reason #3: OK, we’re girls. And, sadly, a few of our guys have looked at porn. How’d that work for ya? How’d it make you feel? Did it cross your mind that you could never compare to the perfection created by lights, camera, and Photoshop? Well, he can’t compare to a plasticized, vanilla interpretation of manhood either.

Reason #4: Do you know what BDSM is? Bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism. If you don’t know what those words mean, be glad. If you do know, you should understand that the most damaging part of Fifty Shades of Grey is that God created sex to be a partnership that’s fueled by love and self-giving, not pain and humiliation. It’s not just that this book misuses sex, it redefines it into something evil and transgressive as the lead character dominates in a hurtful manner. How woman can enjoy that, I can’t understand! But I do have a theory. It seems to me that in our emasculating culture there is a hunger so great for strong men that women will stoop to BDSM for just a taste. Do yourself a favor, don’t!

You might be wondering if I’ve read the book. I haven’t. I don’t need to. There are many things in this world I need not partake in to discern that they are going to be harmful to me. God has given me more than fifty shades of truth in His Word and when just one of them is in conflict with my entertainment choices, I choose to pass! To be clear: I wouldn’t drive my Envoy into the front of an oncoming semi-truck any more than I would open the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I love my marriage, my God, and myself too much.

If your heart resonates with mine, please take a moment today to post these words on Facebook or twitter: “I’m not reading Fifty Shades of Grey.” If you have friends who need help understanding why, send them to this blog. I’d be happy to explain!

God is stirring my heart. Wrecking it really. With the picture of this sweet pregnant teenager.

She was playing a game of “Let’s Make A Deal” at one of our Pure Freedom events for moms and teen daughters this March. She was one of three pregnant girls who attended that evening. During another event this past fall, a fourteen-year-old girl went into labor at intermission. Forget going home after school to a mom when you’re going home after school to be a mom. It makes me wonder, how many girls in those audiences weren’t carrying babies at the event…because they had recently been to an abortion clinic? It makes me mindful of how many of them are sexually active and creating hurt in their hearts because of it. I am thankful to be here to walk them through it.

Another recent heart-breaking event had to do with a new smart phone app called TOP GIRL. It introduces girls as young as twelve to a world too mature for them. For example, a girl’s online top girl character can be denied access to virtual bars if she isn’t dressed hot enough at which point she’s sent back to her virtual closet of fishnet stockings and stilettos to try again. Since we consider ourselves watchdogs for tween girls, we sent out a Secret Keeper Girl product alert. One mom responded by checking up on her daughter and commented on the Facebook page:

“Just found this on my ten-year-old daughter’s itouch…yikes!!! Thanks for the heads up! She says it was stupid and didn’t play it, I hope she is telling the truth.”

The battle is getting thicker. We are standing strong on the front lines. And here’s why it matters so very much:

MARRIAGE BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN IS A PICTURE OF CHRIST AND THE CHURCH.

(Ephesians 5:31,32)

AND THE LIFE CREATED IN THOSE MARRIAGES IS, IN PART, WHAT MAKES US LIVING IMAGES OF GOD.

(Genesis 1 & 2)

Our ministry is not really about sex.

It’s about rescuing the picture of the gospel.

It is about maintaining our ability to be the image of God!

I am wrecked by the recent, rampant sexual digression I’ve been seeing, and I’m hoping God will wreck a few of you along with me. I’m asking Him to create a kind of multi-car pileup that will shut down 8 lanes so we might slow down and hear him. Let’s listen to see what He wants next. In our homes. In our churches. In our ministries.

One thing is clear to us: God is calling us to be faithful to get the ministries of Pure Freedom and Secret Keeper Girl poised to go to the next level. The next step is getting ready. We must be poised for movement. To do that, we need to eliminate a remaining balance of $9,000 on our line-of-credit and complete our new Pure Freedom event set which costs about $9,000. We are praying for $18,000 to come in before June 5th. (We shared this need with some of you in February, and are especially grateful to contributors at that time who extended $5,085 in one-time donations to cover our payroll crunch as we waited for the season’s tour income to start up. However, we did not meet the goal of covering these other two expenses.) Filling this need will poise us to move into our new vision.

Would you consider joining us in prayer and taking action in one of these three ways?

1.) Send your largest possible one-time donation to help us reach our goal of $18,000 before June 5th, the date of our annual fundraising night, to WIPE OUT our line-of-credit and pay for our new Pure Freedom staging. This will enable us to use anything we raise that evening for future projects.

2.) Join our other forty monthly donors to support us regularly. Financially, we have been growing in supportive friendships. For this we are so grateful. We had 12 monthly donors in 2010; 29 by the end of 2011; and to date we have 40 in 2012. Together they offer us a monthly contribution of $2,867. We are thrilled with this! And we thank God for each penny. But we need more. We need more because we are called to do more.

3.) Call 814-234-6072 to reserve your spot at our intimate Living Letters event on June 5th to be held at Ramada Inn in State College, PA. We’ll share the details of the evening with you when you call.

We wish we could thank each of you personally for even hearing our hearts. We pray that you’ll be wrecked…whether it’s for a purpose in your local church or to partner with us at Pure Freedom…We’re asking God that you would FEEL His grief along with us and put your time and money where your heart is so we can rescue the next generation!

That was one of many national headlines this week. And Tim Tebow’s face was next to the question.

There’s a bounty on him: $1 million for any woman who can provide undeniable proof that she’s had sex with football’s symbol of integrity. No, I’m not making this up. The Twitterati have been abuzz about it all week. Set by a website that matches partners looking to have adulterous affairs—think eHarmony but minus the harmony—it’s really nothing but a cheap publicity stunt. (You won’t find the name of the site here, that’s for sure.) However, it does illuminate the fact that there are those who are just waiting for Tim Tebow to be proven a hypocrite. They wait like vultures, hoping to feast on the decaying carcass of one man’s morality. Case in point: New England Patriot’s tight end jokingly offered to do the job himself. His vulgar offer—seen below—was made in front of an audience of college students, which is what makes it so despicable.

A young woman asks Rob Gronkowsi if she’d rather “kill em, marry em or *!@# em: Rex Ryan, Betty White or Tim Tebow?” And here’s what he says:

You have to see this—and hear the audience roar in unholy praise—to really understand what’s at stake. There is a battle raging and it’s not just about Tim Tebow’s radical stand for abstinence. (It’s his choice, America! If you believe in “tolerance”, why not act like it. His choice will guarantee him—and all those who follow his example—a life free of sexual transmitted infections, untimely pregnancies, and depression. Why isn’t that a choice worthy of your “tolerance?”)

But I digress. My point is this: Tim Tebow and Rob Gronkowski are both role models. Some players in the NFL deny that they have the power to transform behavior. They say that they’re not role models. To that, Tim Tebow recently said: “Yes, you are. You’re just not a good one.”

Here’s what concerns me most: it seems that some would leave only the role models for moral decay in the playing field of American culture. But I’m a player on that field, too. And I’m making a play today. I might hurt myself using football terminology—my husband and son can attest—, but I’m stepping in to act as offensive lineman for our quarterback of American virtue. It takes more than one, so I hope you might coach yourself up to join me on the playing field. Let’s make a play to block the adulterous match-making websites, night clubs eager to devour one man’s virginity, and fools like Gronkowski. Here’s how the play goes:

1.) Visit the website for the Tim Tebow Foundation.
2.) Send Tim a donation. When you do, you’ll be sending him an ‘atta boy! I’m sure he needs one every now and then just like the rest of us.
3.) Wait for you postcard to come. Bob and I joined the Tim Tebow Foundation recently, and I have the postcard from Tim Tebow on my fridge to prove it. It has a photo of him, is signed by him, and carries with it the power of a scripture verse.
4.) Put your postcard on your fridge and pray for Tim to stand strong and be protected. I pray for him each time I walk by the postcard. And that’s the real play isn’t it?

If you believe that we need role models like Tim Tebow, then they must be protected and supported because they certainly are attacked and assaulted. We do not protect them and support them by doing NOTHING! (That leaves us guilty of putting them on the playing field alone. The results could be bloody.) Equally, the reaction should not be one of hatred for those role models that illuminate modern day paganism. Instead, we can respond with prayer. We can lock our shields of faith together and build protection around Tim Tebow and others like him who display virtue.

And we can pray in faith that they will stand strong. Because at that point there IS a bounty on Tim’s head, but not the one posted as a publicity stunt of a tawdry website. The Apostle Paul once commended the church at Corinth to stand behind Titus who had been sent forth to show things honorable not only in the sight of God, but in the sight of men. Paul labeled the grace on Titus to stand strong in their culture “a bounty which is ministered by us.” The Church of Corinth had Titus’ back.

Do we have Tebow’s?

Last week, an ad featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt ran in several publications. The Hollywood Reporter ran an untouched version of the ad. Entertainment Weekly treated her to a digital breast reduction. (You can see the photos side by side later in this article.) If their goal was to make her look more modest, they didn’t. Her cup size may have shrunk to a size B, but they treated her black—is it a spaghetti strap nightie—to some shrinking as well.

No, Entertainment Weekly did not arrive at modesty, but I do think they had a final destination. Whether they did it intentionally or not, they fed into a trend that alarms me as I keep  my pulse on the beauty standards of Western culture: a titillating fascination with the teenage body. From advertisements that illuminate a Catholic school girl fetish to college girl’s budgeting for regular Brazillian waxes, I see women doing almost anything to look younger. Most saddening, is that little girls do almost anything to look older.

While some girls begin to grow breast buds at the age of 8, most won’t begin until they’re about 12 or 13. That means that while a few of us are fully developed by age 18, the vast majority may not have filled out entirely until we are as old as 28. So, why am I getting letters from mothers of ten-year-olds whose daughter’s feel the pressure to wear padded bras? Why are sixteen-year-olds getting breast implants as birthday gifts? And why is there a rise in the percentage of older woman having breast reductions? Our society has an unhealthy fascination with the barely budding female body.

Gone are the days when a woman’s body—matured so that her womb is rounded and her breasts are full—is celebrated. While you might find such a body in Renaissance art or even in the 1950′s iconic photos of Marilyn Monroe, you’ll not find it in today’s cultural mediums. (Monroe was almost thirty when she was a the height of her beauty icon status.) Instead, what we celebrate today is an obsession with the body of teenaged girls. And that’s where I think Entertainment Weekly landed with their obscene alterations. What do you think?

I’m writing this as a rant. A cathartic raging against our ability as women to enjoy the beauty of each stage of life. Oh, that a gangling, flat-chested eleven-year-old could be celebrated for her freckles, pig-tails, and infectious giggles. That a teenager could enjoy the budding of her body without the self-conscious awareness that the world is oogling her, expecting her to be sexual. And that a thirty-year old could embrace her curves and the fullness of a body that has born and can create life.

This blog is for the girls out there—aged eight to eighty—who are fed up with a myth of beauty that gives us only a few years to celebrate. Today, I modestly celebrate the fact that the belly behind this laptop has given life to two amazing human beings. What are you celebrating?

Eleven Secret Service agents and 10 military personnel are under investigation for having as many as 20 sex workers in hotel rooms before President Obama’s arrival in Colombia. It’s alleged that this isn’t unusual conduct for some members of the Secret Service whose private travel motto is “Wheels Up; Rings Off.” Read between the lines and ache at the complete absence of integrity in the officials whose spines are supposed to be strong as steel so they can sacrifice themselves for our political leader. Apparently, their character is not so solid.

As news of this Secret Service sex scandal breaks, my daughter’s bags are packed to go fight sex-trafficking in India. The village where she will be working initiates girls into prostitution on their twelfth birthday. This has been most sobering to me. As a result, the picture I’m getting of this breaking sex scandal might be different from yours. It’s all right and good that we should consider if the actions of these—do I have to use the word “men”—were a risk to our President. But what about the twenty women? And were they even women at all?

In Colombia, prostitution  is legal for fourteen year olds. That’s young, right? But one report of prostitution in the country revealed that prostitution begins at a very young age—usually before adolescence. (America is not exempt from this incomprehensible evil. The photo in this blog is pulled from a PSA created by Truckers Against Trafficking.) It is estimated that there are 35,000 child prostitutes in Colombia. They were probably not woman at all in those hotel rooms. They were probably teenage girls. And it’s most likely that those girls experienced significant childhood abuse of some type, and were forced into prostitution. Fifty to ninety percent of prostitutes report childhood sexual abuse. Seventy percent say that the abuse had an influence into their entry into prostitution.

I imagine a lot of people reading the Washington Post today cringed at the infidelity, and pictured adult women committing the act of adultery with these married individuals. But the fact is that it’s highly likely that these employees of the government—I just can’t get myself to use the word “men” for them—were paying to have sex with teenage girls who are so broken by a past filled with trauma that they’ll gladly mop up a man’s sexual greed for a few bucks. In the United States, we call that statutory rape. The penalty in Virginia, where I imagine some of the alleged participants may live, is five years to life in prison. As it should be. Should we be less concerned because the victims did not have an address a few miles from our capital?

I want to know how old those “women” were.

If you think that’s valid, let’s make a little noise. What good is all this social media at our fingertips? (I’m pretty sure its best use is not to broadcast the mundane facts of our life: “Lie To Me marathon.” “Ack! Too many ideas in my brain!” “Elmo is my favorite.” These were a few I just read on my newsfeed.) I think that the highway of information created by Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest is best used when we are socially responsible. Now is a great time to prove it.

• Pin the Truckers Against Trafficking PSA graphic above, and raise awareness.
• Post a link to this blog, and ruffle some feathers than need ruffling.
• Tweet your own outcry, demanding that the investigation address the safety of the VICTIMS as well as our President.

But don’t be silent. Our service men should be the kind that knock down the doors of brothels to protect victims of the sex trafficking industry; they should not be knocking on them.

___________

http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/pdf/Prostitutionin9Countries.pdf

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_of_children

I remember being a junior in college and being single (my guy and I were “taking a break”). It seemed to me like every girl on the planet got a ring during that season of loneliness. No way around it: waiting hurts! You can lean into the pain in a bad way, focusing on your loneliness. Or you can lean into it in a good way, focusing on your love relationship with God. I chose to do the second one and even had a motto:

 Jesus is Enough

God is Sovereign

It was my goal not to get married until I actually believed that. You know when I knew that I believed it? When I started genuinely celebrating after hearing the details of yet another romantic proposal!

Taken from Dannah’s book, What Are You Waiting For?: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex

Now, the church would never say that we’ve bought into a feminist perspective, but our lives tell a different story. In 1987, 80 percent of Christians felt that the roles of being a wife and a mom were valuable and important to teach to young women. In 2007, only 52 percent felt this way, with 47 percent stating that the roles of marriage and motherhood should not be emphasized to young women today. Christian women may not have burned their bras in the 1960s, but something much more precious and symbolic was burned up within us during the feminist movement: the desire to be wives and moms.

God says, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4, NKJV). I believe that God created woman to be in fellowship with man, primarily through marriage. Yes, the apostle Paul was right in saying that it is good not to marry so that you can be free to serve God. But God said it is best to be in an honorable one-man/one-woman marriage. Genesis 2:18 reads, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”

Want to pursue God’s best? Open your heart to the gift of marriage, and let Him make the call.

Excerpted from Dannah’s book, What Are You Waiting For? The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex

I’m not allowed to watch romantic comedies.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s not much I enjoy more than curling up with a container of cookie dough and my fav chick flick, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (which is ironic since I’d be far more interested in learning what it takes to keep a guy around…).

Thing is, as much as I love them, they’re just not worth the tradeoff: two hours of gushy entertainment for a night of wrestling against lust simply because my reality can’t compete with my fantasy.

Think it’s all in my head? You’d be right, since the brain’s deep limbic system is the primary sex organ. Believe it or not, viewing romantic media content affects your brain. Dannah’s research for one of her books led her to discover a biological component in exposure to romantic film content. (Ever watched a romantic movie with sexual nuances and then found yourself craving your/a husband?) Both men and women viewers experienced changes in progesterone and testosterone levels, indicating that media content alters the endocrine environment and hormones, at least temporarily.

So for me, all that stuff is girl porn.

Maybe it’s a stretch to compare chick flicks and romance novels to porn. Or maybe not. Beth Spraul believes that whereas porn targets men visually, the lies told to women are introduced emotionally. She says that things like chick flicks and ‘chick-lit’ “take a good gift from God [romance, relational intimacy] that women are created to desire, and distort it…And just like men buy into the lies of pornography, women who believe their husbands and marriages should always be like what they see on the screen will be sinfully dissatisfied with God’s good gift to them of a ‘normal’ husband and marriage.”

Problem is that girl porn leaves my body aroused but my heart unsatisfied. It has nothing to do with real love or real sex. (For those of you who’ve read What Are You Waiting For, it’s shakab but no yada.) No knowing, seeking, or respecting. Just the physical. Just me and my gratification. Just a counterfeit. Lust takes. Love gives.

Do you struggle with girl porn? Are you exposing yourself to romantic content (movies, TV, books, music, conversation) that leaves you dissatisfied? Pulling you further away from your husband instead of closer to him? Causing you to fantasize or masturbate? Doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, or a mom. The Enemy uses the same tricks.

So I don’t let myself watch chick flicks.

I want the real thing.

For one thing, the laughter. Put four women in a van late at night and tell them to drive a few hours and hilarity is sure to ensue! We even compiled a “Blonde List” of all of the zany things that our sleep-deprived brains thought were intelligent before they came out of our mouths.

And let’s not forget the awesome volunteers! We were so blessed by so many wonderful people who gave of their time to serve us and help us serve. We literally could not have done these events without their help!

The best part, though, was watching moms and daughters pray together and cry together; their hearts connecting as they vocalized fears, hurts, and sins that had been holding them in bondage. We witnessed such wonderfully freeing moments each night as God drew moms and daughters, grandmothers and granddaughters, aunts and nieces, mentors and mentees into a time of healing and restoration, and we rejoiced as 33 women gave their lives to Christ for the first time! What a great God we serve!

Check out some pictures from our first tour this season!

This contest is now closed. Congratulations to Melissa, Meghan, Anna, Macy, and Julie for each winning a copy of What Are You Waiting For! Even though the contest is over, I still want to know what you think! Leave your comments below.

Lips aside, I’m nose deep in a book deadline and if I don’t have your help, I may drown in my own thoughts. I’m going a bit antsy over something potentially controversial, and I need your stories and convictions. Don’t worry if you don’t have time. I’ll probably just miss my deadline, throwing me into a fit of untimely stress. (Feel guilty?) Oh, by the way, I’m going to send free copies of What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Told You About Sex to five randomly selected commentors. (Feel motivated?) OK. Here’s what I need to know. Ready? Drum roll please. (And do remember, I’m not sure what I think about this yet, that’s why I’m asking.)

Is it ever OK for a girl to ask a guy to kiss her? Before you answer, let me show you some scandalous stuff I’m finding in the Bible about girls who asked for kisses.

As I’m studying Song of Songs to write Get Lost: A Guide To Finding True Love, I find a brilliant beauty in the picture of male leadership. He is a pursuer! Solomon has been pursuant of the Maiden for some time when the book opens.[i] He has waited patiently for her readiness, never controlling or attempting to possess her. He wants her to desire him, too. But he waits because he will not settle for a relationship with a reluctant lover.

In Song of Songs 1:2, we see that the Beloved is not that! She sheds all pretence, goes against every cultural boundary and verbalizes her craving to taste a passionate kiss. In a day and age when female love was rarely—if ever spoken of or written about—this breaks every taboo! This is no acceptable formal greeting or tradition, but an obvious request for deeper intimacy. She has no reluctancy!

You can see the same kind of expression of availability in the book of Ruth. Well, OK. You can see a whole lot more of it. She’s inviting more than a kiss in the dark of night. She dresses herself, sneaks off to his bed chambers, and lies at the bottom of his bed waiting for him to cover her with his cloak. This would be a sign that he was willing to take her as his wife. Shameless!

The New Testament conveys a permission for a married woman to be the pursuer in the bedroom. It’s the one area where they are clearly called to submit to each other. To be clear, they are called to mutual submission but within the context of his headship. (Complicated, I know.) And yet in the area of sexual expression, it is specifically written that they should enjoy mutual submission. Mutual leadership. I Corinthians 7:3-5 reads:

“The husband should give his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time…”

Now, I want to be really careful here. I know I’m walking on thin ice but I believe that the pattern of courtship or dating should lead naturally into the kind of marriage you’ll experience. You won’t start submitting to a guy just because you said, “I do.” You have to slowly practice your way into a relationship in which you can submit. And you won’t lead freely in the friendship of sexual play until you have learned the ask him to have lunch with you, or sit beside you in study hall. See? I AM NOT SAYING THAT A MAN SHOULD NOT LEAD. I’M ALSO  NOT SAYING THAT A GIRL SHOULD BE SEXUALLY PROVOCATIVE. I’m wondering where and when she should let him know she’s interested!

So, here’s my question: to what extent does a girl avail herself to the pursuant leadership of a guy?

I know that this messes with some of our canned, legalistic rules of modesty in relationships. Please understand: I am not saying that a guy shouldn’t lead. I’m just saying that there’s no Biblical pattern for a woman to be rigid, offering a guy no inkling of an idea that she’s interested. To be sure, the line is fine. But lets try to find it.

Recently a friend came to me why a relationship of 18 months didn’t work out. After a good close look, it seemed as if the pursued never gave the poor guy an inkling of an idea that she was actually interested. (Conjures up memories of Sense and Sensibility in which Elinor almost loses Edward because she is so overly modest in her presentation to him.)

While I’m 100% sure we should not climb into a guy’s bed like Ruth did. And I’m fairly certain it’d be better to let him do the asking for a kiss, I do find myself wondering if some circles of Christianity press a girl to far into a repressed form of modesty. In the end, a poor guy in pursuit never gets a break!

What do you think?

Do you have any real life stories (from your own life) that I can learn from?

Leave me a comment by Wednesday, March 28th and I’ll randomly select five winners to get a free book!